Tungt

Hej hej!
Ja. . . jag vet faktiskt inte hur jag mår. . . kan kopiera det jag skrev till Jane på min moderagentur:

"Hey jane!
My life is a bit strange at the moment. . . i've been introduced to so much new stuff, more specifically emotions, pehaps emotions i'm not entirely ready for yet, but because of this i'm having a bit of a tuff time in hong kong, and i just wondered if . . . but just IF I find i can't cope with this anymore. . . could i perhaps come back to singapore after this month? I was even thinking about going home. . .. life is a bit messier than it has to be for me at the moment. . . to be honest i'm at a confused point of my life. . .

Thanks Jane

/Alex"

This has with a lot of things to do. . . I'm not sure i'm where i want to be at the moment, i'm not sure what i want with life (I looked through the different courses offered at universities and it was such a long list i felt so lost), i'm not sure what i want with life right now at this moment, i'm not sure if i want to be in asia, actually i don't want to be in asia at the moment, and it just makes stuff harder that i don't have the friends i want to have around me at the moment, and i don't have the family or relatives i want to have around me at the moment. . .
It also so happens that yesterday i was telling a friend about how i wanted to smash my head against a rock because i didn't follow a group of friends on a train trip around europe. It also so conveniently happens that i ended up in an msn conversation with rikard later that same day, and he happened to mention that he was leaving for a tågluffar trip together with Gustav in a few weeks, and that just kinda made my heart jump because i feel like that would be so so so great for me right now, i'd really love to do that. . .
But i don't want to feel like i'm running away as soon as shit gets tuff, but i also feel that i don't want to stay in a place that makes me feel down when i could be somewhere that would give me an immense feeling of satisfaction.
At the moment things are wierd for me, as i mentioned, but it's come to a stage where i don't want to eat, i literally have to look at the time and forcefeed myself because i know i should be eating at that time of the day. . . but it's like my stomache has become the size of a pea, because i can't even finish half a plate of fried rice anymore, i don't know what's wrong and i hate this feeling. . .
Anyway, i suppose that after 20 years you all know what kind of person i am, and i don't usually, i very RARELY feel this down, i'm not gonna say this is the worst i've ever felt, but i hate feeling down when i know that most of my life, probably more than most people i've always felt so happy and content with what i have and where i am. . . It just feels like i really don't need this right now. . . .
Ah well anyway .. .
Yesterday (Sunday) I went out and ate lunch at Crystal Jade together with Claire, then we met up with Aleksandra, Casper and Kelly and took a ferry ride out to an island called "Lamma Island"
I got a long well with Casper who is a very carismatic and funny guy.
After a long walk we came to a beach filled with other tourists, Aleksandra and Casper went swimming, while i watched the bags. . . Claire and Kelly we had no idea where they were.
I liked this place it was like thailand, finally i could breathe again after having been in the busy busy city of hong kong.
I ended up talking for a very extended period of time with a woman from russia who was on a holiday with her kids and husband.
After a while everyone regrouped and we initiated our journey to the other side of the island which took about and hour to walk to. . . i was swimming in my own sweat.
The sun had set and the path was very very dark.
Once we had reached the lights of the harbour, we sat down and grabbed some food at Rainbow seafood restaurant.
Wherafter we took a ferry ride back to hong kong central station.
At the central station we walked up to the roof and just sat down at a chill place there, it was really nice, i had a long long talk with Kelly about life and her views on it. . . poor girl has been through so much I found it amazing how easy my life has been and how insignificant most of my problems in life has ever been. . . that conversation was inspirational and it helps me now when i think back on it during a downward dip in my otherwise bright life.
After chilling on the top of the roof, we headed home. Claire and I made a stop at a pub and grabbed a beer each before we finally returned back home to sleep.
Today (Monday)
I have been to a casting for a Paul & Shark show, which was pretty interesting because i met an old friend called Diego. . . Whom i happened to have spent a lot of time with when i was in singapore. . . or well more correctly speaking, i hung out with him when i was in KL for the first time with David and Johan.
It was funny because when i walked in i knew i had seen him before, we shook hands and both of us introduced our names. After about 5 minutes it hit me, and then he also went like "Holy shit! I knew i had seen you before!" hahaha pretty funny. . .
Well another guy at the casting was Leonardo or Leo, a brazillian model i had also met in singapore.
After the casting we walked together back to the agency (He's in Cal-Carries as well, he also has a twin brother who's comming tomorrow. . . . that's interesting because they can share eachother's portfolio hahahah)
Anyway, Leo and I have always gotten a long really well so that was nice.
At the agency i finally got the SATS card in sweden freezed by requesting the agency to send a copy of my modelling contract to them, thus confirming i'm working abroad.
Something funny happened at the agency as well, hahah apparently we're sponsored by a brand called "Police" and all the models were given a gift bag containing a pair of sunglasses, a watch and a necklace. . . . the watch and sunglasses look like they could be expensive! haha it's so wierd :D
Anyway, after the agency i went to a food court, it was 12 am, and i had not eaten breakfast and i had absolutely no lust whatsoever to eat anything. . . but i forcefed myself a kebab roll kind of thing. . . indian style. . .
The walk home after this thoughts were shooting into my head about everything, and i just kinda walked with a lost gaze at the pavement. . . .
Ooooh well. . . like i said, i'm always fine, there's not really any need to worry, i've always managed somehow, so. . . life is good. . . it should be, it should always be.
Lotsa Love to you all

/Alex

PS.
Dad
haha it was fun hearing about how the party went, i'm glad it went well, I'll do best to enjoy what i have at the moment. . . feels retarded not to ;)
Lotsa Love hälsa familjen

Farfar
I'm glad to hear about the party, seems like your busy lives keep on going :D I'm glad you two aren't like many of the other pensioners that just sit around and do nothing, inspiring! :D
I'm sad however to hear about farmor's foot, i hope the operation goes smoothly!
I also wish you luck on your computer operation ;) Best of luck my man!
Lotsa Love Hälsa farmor!